Monday, 15 November 2010

I don't like bed hopping and you can't blame God!

Early this morning, I crossed to the other coast to start my working week, leaving The Curate to walk the dogs and go to morning prayer at the church. It was a spectacular journey with bright sunshine breaking through the early morning mist. But I hate all this coming and going. We both find that we do not sleep well, whether we are together or alone. Is there a secret to falling asleep and staying asleep where ever you are? How did we get into this situation?
If marriages fall apart because of another person, at least you can blame the third party, rant about them and feel like the injured party. When my husband suddenly has a Road to Damascus experience - that I witnessed (well almost)  - and this experience changes his whole outlook on life, I can't go round and punch the third party on the nose or even get angry about them. I can't complain because I  have been praying for this since we first met. God surely does have a sense of humour. I hoped that my husband would just come to understand why I wanted to go to church every so often. But no! It was all or nothing. It was the ease at which he could just accept that things had got to change and he had to do something about it. You can't argue with God and if my husband felt that he was being called to work for the church - what can you say? 
 So here we are at the beginning of his second year of training as an Ordained Curate. I have more idea of what to expect now, having survived one year but I begin to think I am the one who needed training more than him. The hardest thing is to put down the expectations I had for this stage of our marriage, with the sons having left home and having a bit more money, space and time to spend together. Not wanting to exaggerate, but sometimes it feels like grieving. I am truly beginning to wonder who the real me is, as there is this expectation by the good people of the parish that I am a devout Christian with rock solid beliefs. But I am a seeker. I ask questions constantly and as a result often experience very rocky roads. I look at The Curate sometimes and wonder how he can have it so easy? He just knows it's all true.

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